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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Caregiving |
Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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Characteristics of Codependency When an illness enters your relationship equation with your care recipient, it can be difficult to have some separation from the illness and your care recipient. Some separation must exist, though, in order for you to be a whole person. A caregiving relationship can easily slip into a codependent relationship. Although a complex concept, we’ll offer a simplified definition: “Codependency is defined as when someone becomes so preoccupied with someone else that they neglect themselves. In a way it is believing that something outside of themselves can give them happiness and fulfillment. The payoff in focusing on someone else is a decrease in painful feelings and anxiety.” (Source: Therapist’s Guide to Clinical Intervention, Academic Press, 1997) To help you keep your own identity and persona in check, we share the following list, which details the characteristics of a codependent relationship. Please note that this is only a guideline; please use the list as a self-check to ensure you work toward protecting your own identity and good emotional health: 1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you. 2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you. 3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain. 4. My mental attention is focused on you. 5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you. 6. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way. 7. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems. 8. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain. 9. My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests. 10. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me. 11. Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me. 12. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel. 13. I am not aware of what I want--I ask what you want. I am not aware--I assume. 14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you. 15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do. 16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do. 17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship. 18. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you. 19. I put my values aside in order to connect with you. 20. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own. 21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours. Source: Sobriety and Recovery Resources, http://www.recoveryresources.org/index.html If these characteristics ring true (or if you just feel these characteristics closing in on you), then consider speaking with a counselor or therapist. To find a counselor who understands caregiving issues, check with your local Area Agency on Aging, your local Easter Seals, the local chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association, your employer’s Employee Assistance Program and your local Mental Health Department. Recommended Reading, Codependence: Codependence/The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody (Author), Andrea Wells Miller (Author) Boundaries by Henry Cloud, John Sims Townsend Recovery from Codependence: A Jewish Twelve Steps Guide to Healing Your Soul by Kerry M. Olitzky, Maty Grunberg I'm Dying to Take Care of You: Nurses and Codependence: Breaking the Cycles by Candace Snow, et al Awakening in Time: The Journey from Codependence to Co-Creation by Jacquelyn Small I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT: OVERCOMING THE SECRET LEGACY OF MALE DEPRESSION by Terrence Real (Author) Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps: How to Find the Right Program for You and Apply Each of the Twelve Steps to Your Own Issues by Melody Beattie (Author) Never Good Enough: Growing Up Imperfect in a "Perfect" Family: How to Break the Cycle of Codependence and Addiction for the Next Generation by Carol Agnes Cannon, Carol, M.A. Cannon Recommended Reading, Happiness: The Sedona Method: Your Key to Lasting Happiness, Success, Peace and Emotional Well-Being by Hale Dwoskin, Jack Canfield The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People: What Scientists Have Learned and How You Can Use It by David Niven A Short Guide to a Happy Life by Anna Quindlen Second Innocence: Rediscovering Joy and Wonder: A Guide to Renewal in Work, Relationships, and Daily Life by John Izzo Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life by Gregg Michael Levoy Happiness Is an Inside Job by John S. J. Powell The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul: Stories About Life, Death and Overcoming the Loss of a Loved One by Jack Canfield, Mark Hansen Chicken Soup for the Soul: Living Your Dreams by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen Chicken Soup for the Unsinkable Soul-Stories of Triumphing Over Life's Obstacles by Jack Canfield, et al A Caregiver's Good Little Helper |
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