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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Caregiving |
Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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Your Caregiving Role and Your Happiness: Are the Two Mutually Exclusive?
Your Thoughts: When I was taking care of Mom at home with her dementia, it was a "bi-polar" existence. Watching the disease take my beloved Mother away a piece at a time was horrible. Not being able to stop it was even more horrible. The fact I was able to be with her during the time she needed me was wonderful. The times I could help her feel better by being close to her gave me pure happiness. Every single day of my life, there is something that causes me stress--but there is always something to make me happy. I'm very happy tonight because Dad is stable and feels good, and because my husband will be coming home soon. If I stop and think about what is coming--that my husband will leave again without me, and that Dad will never get better--then I get unhappy. Saw something recently that said, "Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet." The only solution I have to decrease the stress that causes unhappiness is to stop looking ahead, take the blessings that God gave today with an "attitude of gratitude", and let God worry about tomorrow. --Dianna, who cares for her father, who resides in a nursing home, and whose husband has business that takes him away from home for long stints I am trying so hard now to remember all the happy times I have had as a caregiver because there really were a lot, before this last year when my mom died. Also right now is a very difficult time for me because my dad is now terminal, he is in the hospital at the moment and they are saying things like just make him comfortable. So, I am wanting very much to remember the happy stuff: My mom had severe osteoarthritis and for the last six years of her life could not take a shower unassisted. We had a shower bench she would sit on and I would help her wash up. I always ended up soaked and the bathroom, too, and would go through a lot of towels each time. After we were finished, every single time, my mom always said "thank you" and I would say "anytime" and when I said that she would start singing this old song that went "Anytime you're feeling lonely, anytime you're feeling blue..." As I would carry the big pile of wet towels to the laundry I could hear her singing the song. That always made me happy. --Family caregiver to her parents With my mom there were times of happiness but not very often. Mom has always been a person who likes to get her own way, says she is always right, and can be very stubborn. Because of this, times were hard. I had support from my family but my sister didn't have much time to help. I myself felt betrayed by my sister. She knows how Mom is and didn't care. This made things worse because I started to resent her. She was one of the obstacles that has kept me stirred up you might say. The other obstacle is Mom's not thinking of others and not being grateful for what you are trying to do for her. It wouldn't even bother her when I would be crying. I think what woke me up is when my husband's mom was on her death bed. We were at my husband's sister's, where his mom was. I had told my mom several times that my husband's mom was dying and I needed to be there for him. I was in the room with his mom when I heard my mom shout, "I am tired and I want to go home and go to bed". At that I took my mom home. I was not there for my husband when his mother passed away. It was then I made a decision to move Mom into an assisted living. I think this is where the happiness comes in for both of us. It has been a week now and we are back to the mother-and-daughter relationship. I still am a caregiver for Mom but now I have help, I must say, wonderful caring help. I can go and see mom and make sure her medications are put together for the week. I don't have to worry about Mom walking off. I also get things she needs for her apartment. Her apartment has a refrigerator so I can take her pop and snacks. I also can go and eat with her. The difference is we are both happy now. --Glenda, whose mother recently moved from Glenda's home to an assisted living facility I am usually a happy person and have been called sunshine by people as I usually have a smiley face. Sometimes I am sad, though. Usually when my husband has a down day I am sad for a while but when I leave the nursing home, I try to get over it as soon as possible. When my husband won't let them bathe or shave him, when there is a general unrest in the Alzheimer's ward, etc., etc., I don't feel too happy but I leave and live and enjoy my life. My church, the support groups, friends, etc. have been a big help to me in this trying time and whereas I cried all the time before, I now laugh and have a good time. We have to do it to keep our sanity. My happiest years were from the day I received the Lord as my Savior. I have enjoyed my almost fifty years of ministry both on the mission field and in the states. Then after some very unhappy marriages I have been very happy with my husband Charles for the past fifteen years in spite of the trials and sicknesses. Happiness for the future, what is left of it after living 75 years, is to keep active in the ministry, keep ambulatory and be able to drive and be independent. You know sometimes we aren't exactly happy about situations but we can have a joy in our hearts. Happiness many times has to do with outward things, joy with inward. I do have the joy of the Lord and that is my strength. --Irene, who cares for her husband, who resides in a nursing home While sadness, frustration, anger and guilt definitely play a part in the role of caregiving, I personally think that happiness plays a big part, too. It's the small things, the quality time spent with the loved one that is important. I think it brings me closer. I think that because I'm trying to fix things or make my loved one better and can't that it makes me have those negative feelings. It makes me happy to know that I'm spending more time with my loved one and that I bring them comfort. Their little faces light up with smiles when we are having an especially good day. We laugh at situations and predicaments and sometimes we cry over them, too. Even when my dad was alive, one of the special moments was when he wanted me to trim his fingernails or do a crossword puzzle together. Every Sunday mom and I would go see him and take him down to his main entertainment center. We would have tea and graham crackers and the TV would be on. We would laugh and talk about nothing really, but I cherish those moments and wouldn't change them for the world. I know I'll be miserable for awhile until the grief part ends. But I think in the far future I'll be happy knowing I did the best I could with what I knew to help my parents with their end of life's journey. --Lauren, who cares for her mother, and cared for her father until his death 18 months ago You would think from my life these days that happiness and caregiving have nothing to do with one another, that they are opposed to one another. I do think, however, that WITH BALANCE (the thing I have problems with) caregiving can bring a lot of happiness, as long as it's not your only source. What brings me real pleasure is being able to share something with my mother, in a positive way. It doesn't have to be like it used to be, although that, of course is great, but it's okay when we can just laugh together. I like to know that I'm being helpful, that I'm really doing something well. But mostly I want my mother to have the best time she can and if I can make that happen even in the moments that does make me happy. Without balance, of course, without my own pleasure and ability to enjoy myself, there isn't enough, even when we're both really enjoying ourselves. I am happy when I'm proud of her, when I'm caring for her and she tries her best and I've done my best. Tonight I came back from work after seeing two clients, one of whom has forbidden herself to have a life and the other who is feeling abandonment by her lover. I was fully present with them and enjoyed doing what I do. I came home to my mother with the aide who she generally hates but who is willing to stay while I work, and she needs that now and it really helps me feel better, just this one day. Anyway, my mother and I were very happy to see each other. I have been sitting at the computer part of the evening and she has been watching television, but it's the closeness between us that is so much there because we were also able to be apart beforehand. There is real happiness when I can see my mother happy, or feel that bond again, of what we have had all our lives but has diminished because of all the difficulties. There are moments when I'm totally happy as her caregiver because I want to give and she is loving and I am loving. We both are in the flow of it, if that makes sense and that is as perfect as it can be. Generally, one of us feels resentful, either me because I don't enjoy what I'm doing or her because she doesn't want anyone to do anything for her or to her. Then I'm not happy and she's not happy. I think that is true of happiness: It's in the moments and the moments when things are just going well, not where there's so much difficulty. I do need to have space and my life. This is true. When I do, I want to be there and help her and she is more open to my being there for her. When I can be her caregiver and share happiness with her, it is the best happiness there is. Like I love it when she smiles or laughs. It is a winning smile. People turn around, or are amazed to see her smile. She is so full of life. I think what makes happiness is appreciating each other. When we are appreciating each other for who we are, limitations or not, we are happy and I am happy to be a caregiver where she cannot do things for herself. There are several times that I've been very happy in my life. The happiest may have been about fifteen years ago. I was very busy working on my career then, had three jobs--two part-time and my practice that was building. I was living in this little apartment, but what made all the difference was being in a relationship that had a lot of good parts to it. My mother was busy going back and forth to Florida at that point but lived nearby on her own. She was still independent and I worried about her but was able to have my own life. My life was full. Between work and a relationship and many friends, I was very happy. I also had my cat, Jesse, who was a love. I was involved with someone who was very outgoing and political and thus I was more active than usual, pushed into a social life in a very good way. Other times that were happy were when I was a teenager and my mother and I used to take lots of trips together. We laughed and laughed a lot. I had a best friend then too, but not dating yet. My life was full. Moments of happiness, however, are different. Great moments of happiness have to do with connection--with someone or with the world. I was on an American Indian nature weekend and I felt a profound connection with nature. I think it was more like total peace. When I was in a relationship and was in love, of course, the love was total happiness. When my mother and I have connected on a deeper level I was very happy. When I go to a petting zoo with a friend that I'm close to, I am very happy, because I feel so connected to the animals and to my friend. Learning has always brought me happiness as well. The moments of happiness are transient of course. They are perfect and they don't last. When my mother and I are close and she's not suffering and she's happy, and she's caring, we can have that perfect moment. When I'm with someone I love and we enjoy something together, the universe is larger and the moment seems to be a bubble that is full of happiness which eventually bursts. But, for the moment, it is wonderful. What would make me happy in the future is having productive work, enough money, but mostly, having someone who I truly love and who truly loves me and being surrounded by friends and animals and, of course, total happiness would be selling a script or book. But connection with someone in a really good way, and with nature and a pet would certainly help. And feeling productive, like I'm really contributing something. As far as my mother, it would be being able to have separate lives and share all that love we have for one another when we see each other, for her to accept other help and for there to be an acceptance of things in general. To bring back some of the fullness and fun we had when we went on trips together. Feeling good about who I am, being healthy, laughter, music, being creative, being able to share the beautiful things of life with someone I love. --Lynn, who cares for her mother, and who just completed a book about her life A Caregiver's Good Little Helper |
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