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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Caregiving |
Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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Promised! The emotions behind the possessions By Denise M. Brown, Publisher/Editor, Caregiving! newsletter & Caregiving.com Janice has been a devoted caregiver to her mother for ten years. She quit her job three years ago when her mother needed full-time care. Janice loves her mother and feels strongly that her role is to provide for her mother, just as her mother provided for her. But, in the back of her mind, once in awhile, Janice finds herself thinking: When Mom dies and I inherit her money, I'm going to take a summer off and travel in Europe. This thought gives Janice much discomfort and shame; as quickly as it crosses her mind, Janice shakes her head, to shake the thought out. Over the years, in the pages of Caregiving! newsletter and Caregiving.com, we've talked regularly about the scary and threatening feelings (overwhelming guilt, horrifying rage, terrifying depression) that go hand-in-hand with the caregiving experience. These feelings, which seem so abnormal, actually are normal when you're a caregiver. The feelings you may have when it comes to your care recipient's inheritance can also be disturbing. But, those feelings are oh-so-normal. If, in the back of your mind, you reflect on your inheritance, that's okay. Janice believes her thoughts of the money she will inherit mean she isn't as dedicated and devoted to caring for her mother, that she can be swayed by money. But, in reality, Janice would care for her money regardless of an inheritance. But that power of money and the power it can hold over us makes us sometimes feel guilty at the idea of enjoying the money we inherit after losing our care recipient. And, there's always those family members who will try to get us to buy into that guilt as well. The brother who says: Don't be so sure your good deeds will be rewarded after mom's gone--I'll fight you for my share. Or, the cousin who says: It must be so much easier to take care of your mother knowing how much money you'll get when she's gone. I'd want to keep her at home, too, and keep as much money for my pocket as I can. As you struggle to make sure your good deeds stay on tract, that the lure of great fortune does not tempt you, remember that all feelings are valid. Planning to enjoy your inheritance is a great way to manage your daily caregiving responsibilities: Having something to look forward to is a stress-reliever and a wonderful coping mechanism. Feelings that you have about an inheritance should only be a cause for concern if they negatively impact your ability to provide care. There are signs that you've been bought down the road of temptation: For instance, your decisions as to what's best for your care recipient become based on preserving your inheritance rather than preserving your care recipient's quality of life. Get back on track by hiring a geriatric care manager to make decisions, asking for input from your clergy or rabbi, or requesting input and suggestions from other family members. For all of us, there's no better way to prove our place of importance within the family than an inheritance. "The power of possessions," says Wendy Lustbader, M.S.W., author, What's Worth Knowing and Taking Care of Aging Family Members, "relates to the power to show love and recognition." If you are the primary family caregiver and the other siblings have made themselves invisible, inheriting the bulk of your parents’ estate may be an important recognition of how important you were to your parents. The inheritance makes a statement that your siblings refused to hear during your parents' lives. But, as you've learned in your caregiving experience, the fair often does not take place. Perhaps you provide the bulk of the caregiving responsibilities, but your mother still is captivated by your out-of-town brother. And, in your mother's world, the oldest son inherits the family home; the daughter gets the pots and pans. The power of the possessions rests with the owner, who can often use the possessions to punish from the grave, says Wendy. A father can disinherit a son because of a son's career choice; a mother can overlook a daughter's share because of the daughter's choice to live an alternative lifestyle. Wendy cautions against this: Punishing from the grave is a punishment of eternity that can only cause hardship and heartache. "It is possible to write into a will a condemnation that sons or daughters will carry for the rest of their lives," Wendy writes in an article, "Conflict, Emotion and Power Surrounding Legacy", published in the Fall 1996 issue of Generations magazine. "There is no way to reply to such an accusation, no way to express regret or to try to make it up to the parent. Inflicting a hurt that can never be redressed, the most painful power a parent can wield is to punish from the grave." In turn, the power held by the owner can be transferred to the inheritor: Mom loved me best because she gave me her jewelry. When giving and receiving, one word can guide everyone to act responsibility: Grace. Receive graciously. If passed over, offer gracious comments to the receiver. And, keep a perspective. If you inherit more memories than goods, your inheritance is of priceless value. |
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