Caregiving Special Focus

Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years

When Caregiving Causes Debt The Choices Sometimes Mean a Financial Hardship (Steven, a member of one of our online support groups, recently sent the following note to his group. He agreed to share his experiences as part of our series on debt.) I was deeply saddened today to hear about a friend's coworker that took his life this week. His circumstances were very similar to my own. He was living with the heavy financial responsibility of taking care of his aging mother for the past 5 years combined with the lack of support from his siblings that finally took its toll. He was only 38 years of age. His father, for whatever reasons, did not include him in his will and died. His two brothers and three sisters – were no shows when it came time to assist him financially or at least in the physical care of their mother (as the story was told to me from a friend that worked with him). His story was so similar to my own – my father has willed over all his assets to my four siblings excluding me as well. This I don't mind - let them have it all, but give me Mother's portion so I can continue to take care of her without going into bankruptcy. Currently, both parents are 90 years of age – still married but separated over 35 years and joint tenants on one home in which my sister lives. Sister is only paying $300 per month in a home that would normally rent for $1200 per month. I have asked the family to buy mother's portion out of the property so I can use the interest from the money to assist her. I tried even moving her back home. Boy, that was not the right suggestion. Dad immediately told me loud and clear that "nobody told you to take your mother in nor did anyone tell you to spend thousands of dollars of your money on home repairs on her house when she was living there." This message is can't be clearer: Whatever financial responsibility I incur while caregiving for my mother lies strictly on me and no one else, not even my siblings. Mother was unable to live any longer on her own because of her mental illness that resulted in her having set her home on fire. Pure and simple, it was too dangerous for her to live alone any longer. Plus, her neighbors were complaining that she not only cursed them out, but would not wear enough clothes when leaving the house. So, he is right, I did make the decision to move her into my home which was closer to my job. Her doctor said that she needed 24- hour care--and none of my siblings wanted the responsibility for her care. She currently stays with me in my own home and I am glad she is with me; I have been taking care of her for the past 9 years. But then, she had a stroke in 2003 that disabled her physically as well. That is when the financial cost began to really hit me hard. I paid a girlfriend $12.00 per hour to assist Mother when she was released from the hospital. I needed a caregiver for 50 hours out of the week. Then I phoned IHSS (In-Home Support Services) to see if I could have her hours increased. It took 3 years after several illnesses for them to increase her hours to 150. They would only cover me for 67 hours per month initially and gradually moved the hours up as her health continued to decline. The rest came out of my pocket and her small SSI check. I have expended practically all of my retirement on this. I am gone 200 hours per month and continue to pay the difference for the caregivers out of her social security and my own pocket. The problem is that most in-home care providers want more than just $7.75 that IHSS provides. Currently, I have two caregivers-- one at $10 per hour and the other is getting paid directly by IHSS. Unlike most elderly, mom eats more than I do--three square meals a day. So our food bill is pretty high. She also is diabetic so I am very careful about the food that I buy. I pay for clothing, food and medical supplies and this for the majority of the years she has been sick. Recently, this has improved because her insurance started covering some of her medical supplies. My financial damage is extensive and I myself have gotten old. At any rate it is not easy. This young man needed support and may have had other problems as well. This month I am falling behind in my mortgage and very stressed--I stopped eating for a few days out of worry. I know how this young man felt; according to friends he had spent his last dime and was exhausted from working and the daily labor of love for his mother. He made a terrible decision and the one he really hurt was his mother and son. My love for my mother supersedes all those type of death desires. I have to make things work no matter how hard it gets. Monday I am going on a job interview for a higher paying job. I love where I work, but the bottom line is the bottom line. Plus, my job offers very little in the way of retirement, other than what you put in and that is it. I can handle mother's mental illness, her physical illness and a slap or two. All of that, but my father's attitude and that of my siblings...that is a tough one for me because I don't understand it. I must be here for her and death is not an option unless it's my time. She really needs me . I have a nephew that helps and gives me rest. Without that little help, I just don't know how I could do it entirely alone. Index of Articles Caring for Two Most Important Women In His Life Surviving to Find a New Life The Choices Sometimes Mean a Financial Hardship How I Survived My Dark Days Resources to Help Your Care Recipient Resources to Help You Caregiving Forum: Speak Out About Our Stories and Your Financial Worries Tell a friend about this article:

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