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Managing The Stress ~ Making The Decisions ~ Discovering The Meaning |
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Caregiving |
Solutions To Your Caregiving Situations Throughout Your Caregiving Years |
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(Editor's Note: Each month, in our Caregiving Special Focus section, we take a closer look at an aspect of your caregiving experience. Because of how Pope John Paul II lived as he was dying, we share a series of articles we first posted in March 20004. We think a closer look at end-of-life care issues will help you prepare for one of life's most important missions: Helping a family member die well.) Death and dying How do we help a family member die well?
By Denise M. Brown The question of the ages, I believe. And, in this age of self help and self awareness, it's one of the questions we haven't fully explored. We know what's involved in raising good, healthy, kids, how to keep our jobs, how to keep our marriages together. But, when it comes to a family member dying, we still are very much in the dark. How many times have you turned on a television talk show and heard an insightful, honest account of helping a loved one die? And, really, that's your role as a family caregiver: Helping a family member die well, whether that process takes ten years, two weeks or five minutes. It's a process and it's an experience. And, it's one of the most important achievements you'll accomplish in your lifetime. So, how do you do it well? In this month’s Caregiving Special Focus, we'll offer ideas, suggestions and inspirations. Asking the question Also in this section, you'll find answers to this question: How do you want to die? I posed this question to my family members, family caregivers, to colleagues and to friends. I asked because it's important that we take the fear out of our deaths as we help another die well. And, I asked because I want to encourage you to ask as well. Ask your spouse, your siblings, your friends, and your care recipient. If your care recipient has a cognitive impairment, ask anyway! Or, ask the question in another way, asking your care recipient about his or her parents' or grandparents' death. Long-term memory is the last to go. Asking about the past often helps your prepare for the future. If your care recipient is unable to vocalize his or her wishes, then ask the question to the heavens; look up to sky and ask: How should I help my care recipient die well?. And, wait for the answer. You may hear the answer during your next visit to the nursing home when you hear your care recipient hum a favorite Sunday hymn or recite a Bible passage. Or, you may hear the answer as you page through old photographs or review your mother's diaries. A colleague and mentor of mine, Mirca Liberti, co-founder of Children of Aging Parents, once relayed a story that illustrates the importance of asking. Mirca cared for her father. And, when it became apparent that he would not survive his last hospitalization, Mirca struggled with the idea of planning her father's funeral and service. But, she dreaded asking about her father's wishes. She worried that asking would be telling him that hope was lost. She forced herself to ask anyway. His response amazed her and she realized he had been waiting for her to ask. He had very specific requests, requests she would have never known had she not asked. And, so, when he died, she was able to plan and provide a service and funeral she knew he would have loved. That was so comforting to her, that she was able to executive his last wishes and give him just the send-off he wanted. All because she asked. Index of Articles Working Within the Laws of Nature Ethics Committees Help Iron Out Disagreements Bereavement is as Personal Experience as Caregiving Knowing What to Expect Helps You Help your Care Recipient Medicare and the Hospice Benefit
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